i rode a bicycle today

Forty six years ago, some lady from New Jersey lay on a table screaming, and I fell out of her bloody vagina.   Today, i commemorated that event by riding a bicycle, i went for a road ride, because the trails were a bit sketchy with the current weather.   It would have been poetic and right if i had ridden 46 miles, but alas, i only rode 43, because that was how long the ride is.  A beautiful and scenic and fun ride, with more climbing than i would care for, but i seem to keep doing it from time to time,   Thing is, today, it was supposed to be 55 or so degrees, warm for December here in Colorado.  It was, if we were lucky, 40.  when you are screaming downhill at about 30 miles an hour, the wind chill makes it about 25.   our feet were frozen, our legs were cold, i was so cold i wasn't sure i could handle my bike, but i made it back and surprise, there was red velvet cupcakes and proseco at a post ride refresher.   pretty much the BEST RIDE EVER.

here is the thing.   i live in a world, at a time, where i can afford the luxury of RIDING A FUCKING BICYCLE FOR FUN.   i didn't have to do it, i wasn't paid to do it, with the weather as it was, i would have been better not to do it, but I (we) did.    i went and rode my bike today.  that is the apex of what i accomplished.  i didn't make the world better, i didn't help out anyone, i added nothing to society.

i rode my bike and had fun.  i recreated.  because i could.

i didn't have to work in a mine or at sea.  i didn't have to put on a suit and tie and go to board meetings (that accomplish nothing really).  i didn't have to deal with an unpleasant and stressful situation.   i had to deal with cold, and muscles that weren't happy, but that's nothing really.

it's more than a hobby, it's a lifestyle.  it's what we do.  we ride bikes, talk bikes, work with bikes. there is no "biking season" for us, we ride all year long. it's just what we do.  however, it is a lifestyle i chose to live, i make a conscious decision to live this way .  i enjoy it and embrace it but i never ever forget that.....it's just riding a fucking bicycle.  for fun.  that's all it is.   i will not have power or fame or fortune, i will not drive a sexy car, get into an expensive club, or wear $200 jeans.  but i will have a pretty kickass time with friends playing, PLAYING, outside.

i am quite thankful that i can live this way.  i am thankful that i don't care to own a tv, i don't need a new or even a really nice car (bike is worth more than the car, stereotype but true), i don't need so many things many people i see feel they "need."

i am thankful i get to ride a bike and enjoy the simple (sometimes painful, self inflicted more often than not) act of seeing the world around me at 5, 10, 15, 20 miles per hour at a time.   i like to ride bikes and drink booze. i get to do both frequently.

i might die tomorrow, i might die later tonight, i might die many many years from now.  no matter what, i won't take a day for granted, and every time i get to pedal a bicycle, i will recognize it is a privilege, not a right.

i think of some quotes by Epicurus:

Not what we have But what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance.

and also

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.

i rode a bicycle today.  i hope i can ride one tomorrow.  either way, i'm pretty content.  it all works out, one way or another.

are product reviews worth it?

how can i trust reviews of things?  if it's a magazine or popular website, there are advertisers paying money to keep that magazine or website running.  people are often stoooopid with four Os but they aren't going to say "This topcap is the shittiest topcap we've ever seen and breaks all the time and has to be warrantied constantly" when that topcap company is buying adds.  Hence why there were no bad reviews of the Crank Bros Kronolog.  Emphasis on the LOG.

so i can read reviews by regular joes on forums or their blogs.   but does that guy know what he's talking about?  is he a guy who rides a bike two or three times a week for six months out of the year? does he know how to ride a bike and what to look for and how something should feel?  is he reviewing a 160mm bike that he only rides on fire roads and his local trail which is slightly less gnarly than a road in afghanistan (which can be pretty fucking gnarly)?   a guy says he's never had a problem with his dropper post, how many hours and under what conditions has he ridden it?

then there is confirmation bias.   how objective can someone be after they've spent a whole bunch of money on something and know they are stuck with it?

so many factors are involved in the reviewer.  is he motivated by money, or loyalty, or friendship?  let's say he is completely unbiased....then there is the knowledge and ability of the rider, the type of rider he is,

most stuff today is pretty darn good, there aren't that many crappy products out there.   i can find so many bad reviews of stuff i love and use daily.  i can find great reviews on products that i think are complete shit, or i know fail with consistency.    other than my own experience, and the guys i work with who i trust and know, whose reviews can i trust?

The Group Ride

fuck, i just don't know.  perhaps i'm becoming the grouchy old guy, perhaps it's not just me, i'm having problems with group rides.

i don't always like to ride alone, i prefer to ride with others, to me, mountain biking is a social event.  tonight, however, i pulled a Cartman, said "screw you guys i'm going home" and left.

The energy of the group was just too much for me.  It was an after work ride, i was a bit tired, but i was looking forward to the ride.  There would have been four of us, but then one guy's wife showed up, and another dude showed up, and usually it would be awesome, however, the guy's wife was wired like a poodle and people were feeding off each other's weird energy and it just became irritating and annoying.

so we started off on the ride, going up a hill on singletrack, the guy's wife said something to the other dude who showed up and he stopped short and took off, causing everyone to stop, then start again, i was at the tail and there was the accordion effect.  so i'm riding, have to stop, then have to sprint to catch up, then i have to stop, spring to catch up, and this repeated about three times until i said fuck it, turned around, and left.   Granted i wasn't in a great mood when we started the ride either, anticipating shit like this.

Whenever there is a large group, people seem to need to compete and a fun after work ride becomes some "i will rip your legs off" race to show who is the dominant monkey in the jungle with the biggest dick.  I personally don't give a fuck, i just want to ride and have a good time.   perhaps they are having a good time doing that, i am not, i don't want to be part of it.

so i left.  i really don't like the after work group rides much anymore.  we have to wait for people who knew we were riding, but now have to "get ready," then we have to rush, and it's a gigantic clusterfuck.

and now i feel like i sort of got robbed a ride.  i also feel a bit upset at myself, i should have just let it go and pedaled and had fun on the bike, which i wasn't, and i think it's because i didn't want to ride there with those folks at that time.    The problem is...i don't much like ANY group rides anymore.

meh, i'm just being a whiny bitch, and i think i'm just tired.  it's my friday, i should relax, which i'm about to do.

i need to learn to enjoy group rides again.  or i need to find a group i enjoy riding with.  one of these things must happen.

Just ride the damn bike

"So is this an all mountain bike, or a trail bike, is it more enduro or more cross country?"   I am really getting sick of these questions.  

 What the fuck is a "Trail Bike?"  Wouldn't that be a bike you ride on trails? Aren't all mountain bikes "Trail Bikes" by their nature?  

I'm not gonna ride ALL the mountain, can i get a "most of the mountain" bike? 

Enduro is riding a bike up a hill, and then riding down the hill as fast as you can, which sounds like every bike ride just about every person has done since they've been riding bicycles.

Seriously, stop it. The industry, the magazines, all the forums, are filled with people trying to categorize, and sub categorize, down to genus and species, each goddamn bicycle out there. It's a fucking bicycle.  Ride it.  ride it up the hill, across the hill, and down the hill.  

Average Joe Consumer thinks there is a difference, and as a human, is subject to the human weakness of not wanting to be "behind" or "left out," he wants to be most informed to make the best purchasing decisions. He thinks it matters if the wheel size is one inch larger in diameter, or if the travel is 10 millimeters longer or shorter.  Average Joe Consumer thinks he now needs a bike to climb, then a different bike to ride across the trail, then a third bike to descend.   He thinks "Enduro" is something different than what he's already doing.  

My friend rides his 33 pound 160mm travel bike up a hill, and then down, on the same rides our other friend rides his 27 pound 130mm travel bike, and we all ride together and all have the same amount of fun.  

I know a lady who did the Leadville 100, finished 9th.  She did it on a 26" wheeled bike with flat pedals.  It's the motor, not the bike.  Strong legs and lungs will beat out most technological advantages.  

It's insidious.  The industry knows most people can't have fun doing what they've been doing if they think there is "something better" out there, if there is some advantage that makes climbing easier or bike handling better.  Average Joe Consumer can ride his bike for months and have a great time, but as soon as he hears enough people saying X is better, he starts to doubt his fun, and thinks he needs X.  

Some bikes are better equipped to do certain things better.  I wouldn't ride a hardtail down Porcupine Rim (although i've seen it done), I wouldn't ride a Santa Cruz Superlight 29er downhill in Whistler, and I wouldn't ride a Giant Reign in Bend Oregon.  I wouldn't do any of those things, but they can be done, and have, and it's ok.  

Stop worrying about what kind of bike it is.  Know what you want and need in a bike, find the bike that fits you best and meets your criteria (how much travel, slack or steep geometry, etc) and that is the bike for you.  If you ride it downhill, it's your downhill bike.  If you ride it cross country, it's your cross country bike, and if 

an epic day on Monarch Crest

Captain Lowballs asks if i wanna ride Monarch Crest in Salida.  I stupidly say yes.
Here's the thing about Captain Lowballs:  every ride is a training ride.  To me, mountain biking is about riding, talking, drinking, spending time on your bike with friends, hanging out.  It's a social event on wheels involving sketchy trails and booze.   I know better.  In the past, i've secretly vowed to myself to NEVER EVER AGAIN ride with the good Captain.  And every goddamn time he asks "hey, wanna go ride?" i say "yeah, that would be great!"   I deserve what i get.  like i said, i know better.

We get to Salida, there is a threat of rain, as there usually is.  Turns out, the whole day we had great weather.  We had the trail to ourselves.

He set the pace and we were off.  I hung in there for a good portion of the day, until we sort of took a wrong turn.  It was totally my fault.  I wanted to descend Starvation Creek, he had planned to come down Silver Creek and finish with the Rainbow Trail.   It was his ride, i should have shut my fucking pie hole, but i whined and complained and made him question himself, we took a wrong turn, sort of got lost, pissed him off, and we did indeed end up coming down Starvation Creek, which is a cool fun descent.  We got to the bottom, he was pissed and we were gonna climb back up so we can finish on Rainbow Trail.  I was in no shape, he took off, I lamely followed.

I never caught him, my legs were starting to cramp, i was done, so i decided to turn back and head back to the car and hopefully meet up with him.

Being the directionally challenged idiot that i am, i got lost, had to turn back once or twice, and finally found my way to the highway, headed back to the car.

Got back to the car, the Captain was already there, had just arrived, turns out he was behind me, then in front of me when i took that wrong turn and i was behind him.

I apologized, and made up for it by buying the burgers and beer.  at the end of the day we had a good day, and he still talks to me.

A bit more epic than expected, but a damn good ride.  I swear i will never ever ride with him again, until next time....

my failed S24O

got me a brand new lightweight sleeping pad today, all ready for tonight's adventure.  i was gonna do a sub 24 hour overnight trip, where i bike out to a spot, camp overnight, wake up, and bike back home.  all the cool kids are doing it, i figured i should too, even though i'm about as cool as a blacksmith's furnace.

i packed my bag with the bare essentials, made sure the bike was good, and i was ready to go.

all i had to do was bike about nine miles, mostly road, get to the spot i previously reconnoitered,  and sleep under the stars.  i would wake up tomorrow, bike back into town, and it would have been glorious.

nature gave me a big fat NOPE.  i pedaled out, it was a bit windy, the sky looked threatening, but not too bad.  as i got closer to my destination, the wind picked up and the sky looked worse.  i couldn't really tell if it was raining where i was going (it wasn't supposed to rain) or if was just dust and dirt being kicked up.

flags i passed were straight out.  at one point, i had to fight to keep my bicycle upright, much less going forward.  the wind all but stopped me in my tracks, nature putting it's invisible hand against my chest, with a "you shall not pass" whispering in my ear.

i am not a smart man, but i can eventually take a hint, and i have nothing to prove.  i have spent many days and nights doing various sufferfest things.  sometimes i feel like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon.  I'm getting too old for this shit.

i turned around, pedaled home, and my cool overnight adventure amounted to a 45 minute road ride on a full suspension bike with a backpack on.

i can't go tomorrow cause i have to work on saturday.  so it will have to wait for another day.

hopefully soon.

until then....fuck you nature.  i don't know why you gotta be like that.

Velocifer, perhaps a new American God?

went for a pretty great ride last night, the weather was absolutely perfect, and, for some reason (i am in no way complaining) my legs were strong, i rode like a fucking lion last night.   along the way i started thinking of the God of Cycling.

I recently finished Neil Gaiman's American Gods and it was a fantastic book, i loved it and wished there were more like it.  I had read Douglas Adams' long dark teatime of the soul about Odin and the old gods that people stopped believing in, and that is where i got the tip about American Gods, which is quite similar in some ways.    the book talks about how the old gods were brought over to america and now, since no one believes in them, they just sort of wander around.  gods apparently are brought into existence through belief, and if you believe in something strong enough, it manifests, it takes hold, it becomes real.   it is such a well written and interesting story, it has lots of little things that make you think about the world around you and look at the world in a different way.  i like when a book does that.  i really really would recommend this book to most people, not all, it's not for everyone, but most, especially anyone with an open mind.   there is a great scene in the book where Odin talks to a waitress, she tells him she is Pagan, he asks who she worships, and how, and she spouts out dumb tripe which means nothing, and i can picture it in my head.  lots of good stuff in that book.

so, last night, pedaling up a hill and feeling rather good about it, i thought about the god of cycling, if there is one, or should i create one?  the name that came first to me was Velocifer.   this morning i googled it, the name is around, but doesn't seem to be a god of cycling at all.  so there is that...

i thought about how i would manifest this god, or, what would make this god grant favor on me, give me strong legs, keep me safe, etc?  of course a sacrifice is expected, and the obvious sacrifice would be blood, followed by beer, or alcohol, and then, just to make it specific, perhaps chain lube.

Blood is easy, i usually leave a bit here and there on the rocks.   the alcohol? no worries, tipping a bit out, not for my lost homies, but for my new god, is pretty easy.  and chain lube? same thing.

how would i go about worshiping this new god?   i do it almost every damn day, every time my legs are pushing pedals.  for all i know, between the spilled beer and blood i've left behind, he already exists.

and if he does exist, he seemed mighty pleased last night.  and i give him thanks.